"All the Flowers of Tomorrow Are in the Seeds of Today"

As many of you already know, we are expecting our first baby! Truth be told, it's been in the plans for awhile but honestly some things just are easier said that done. I feel like I owe it to myself and to anyone else reading to be real with our whole story. So often, when something amazing happens in our lives, we forget all of the pain and struggles that came before. (Like childbirth, so I'm told). However, I don't want to forget. Our journey helped me to humble myself and rely more fully on our Father in Heaven.

 I had a miscarriage a week before Mother's Day this year that was more emotionally draining than I could have expected. It's amazing how quickly and how much love you can develop for something you've never even seen or felt. I learned that a mother's love begins the very second you see that second line on a pregnancy test and truly never stops. Miscarriages are actually very common. I've read on multiple sources that 10-25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. Often time, without the mother even knowing that she was pregnant in the first place. However, I think this quote really speaks well to the issue:

"A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world that haven't. Most don't mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hasn't happened, so people imagine a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had.

But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she'll know. - Barbara Kingsolver"

In total it took us 9 months of lots of charting, apps, ClearBlue tests, fasting and prayers to make it happen. I know that is probably TMI but I want to share because when we were trying I was desperate to know that I wasn't alone. That I wasn't the only one who didn't succeed on the first month. 

Now, I know in the grand scheme of things that isn't a very long time. At all, really. I know couples that have been trying for years as well as couples that aren't even able to have children of their own. But when you are in that situation, every month contains a constant roller coaster of emotions. From despair to hope to optimism to let down to despair. Over and over again.  My heart truly goes out to anyone who is there right now. Let yourself buy 10 dollar store tests a month, go ahead and grab some chocolate on the day of despair (the expensive kind, Ghirardelli dark chocolate with caramel & sea salt!), pray for comfort and know that you have not been forgotten. Father in Heaven loves you and knows your situation.

(The quote above is from a picture in my childhood home that I've walked by probably a thousand times. My mom reminded me of it during our struggles and it now holds a greater meaning to me. Thanks mom! It's going in the nursery for sure!)